Marge

All your comments of support and prayers are helping me.  I read all the comments and I think I will go back and read them again.  Everything stuck out but really two things stuck out the most.  One comment about how Rome wasn’t built in a day and I won’t have all the answers right away and someone else wrote about how I should take care of myself so that if I’m happy then my daughter can be happy.  So true because kids can feel what you are feeling.  When this all started I know my daughter can feel it (she’s 3) and lately she has been wanting extra attention and I think it’s because she feels something is wrong with me.   All I can do is put on big girl panties on and deal with whatever comes my way.   Oh, and pray.  I can just keep on praying and hopefully and answers will come.   I should write that on my mirror.  “I don’t have to have all the answers today.”  

Sunday I was bawling, Monday I was worse, Tuesday I didn’t cry as hard and today I woke up stronger and cried once.  I’m making progress.

My husband and I talked about some things today and we came to some kind of arrangement.  We are stuck in a lease right now and we both have things that need to get paid.  Totally moving out would really make things worse financially.  So we agreed to just keep going the way we have been and pay some things off.  My daughter and I go to playdates all the time and to just leave all that behind would hurt her I think.  If I had the means to move now then I would and start over.   But to leave now with zero money in hand would just make things worse for her and leaving friends behind.   Plus, I think I need to be emotionally stronger.  My husband works out of town anyway and comes home on the weekends so we were acting pretty separated anyway.  We are going to try and be friends and work together for the sake of our daughter.  Is that even possible?  I don’t have to have the answer today right?

Thanks again to everyone who replied.  Sometimes you just need the thoughts of other women.   Now if I could just get this stressed up feeling and pain out of my chest then I would be ok.

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years.  This Friday was supposed to be our 10th anniversary. 

-My husband has been a provider but not always the best.   In the last few years he has made decisions for the family that I just didn’t always agree with but I stuck by him.

- That sense of security I once felt with him is no longer there.  I hate to see his name on my phone when it rings because I think “what now”.

- We don’t have sex.  Even though he says he wants to, we never do.

- We are losing our home.  I don’t blame it all on him but he has just drained me emotionally dry for so long that I just don’t care anymore.  But when I walk in the house to clean it up, I just start bawling.

- He has told some lies before that I just can’t trust him anymore.

- He never was one to “fix up the house” so things fell behind.  Sometimes I just don’t see him as a “man” anymore.

My husband does have some good traits though.  He is a good father to our daughter and when he wants to he can get things done.

So this Friday I through him a surprise party and he did something that embarassed me and hurt me.  Only one person claims that my husband did something to her and no one else saw it.   It was not rape or molesting but something embarassing none the less.   My husband says he does not remember doing anything wrong.  He does say he was really really drunk.  And he was.  A quiet drunk. 

Anyway, after all the bad feelings I had this last bit of news has thrown me over the top.  I am scared of the future.   I am a stay at home mom.   I don’t think I love him anymore but I do care how he feels and what happens to him.  We have almost 10 years and I have stood by him through alot of crap and I feel like I still want to stay with him but for the wrong reasons.  Reasons are for me because he is my only lifeline to keep going until my kiddo is school age.  Reasons are because our daughter loves him.  Reasons are because I am used to standing by him whether I liked it or not.

I know that this blog doesn’t say everything because there wouldn’t be enough blog space to go back 10 years of ups and downs.  But this last thing was so embarassing that I just have had it.  But I feel sorry for him.  He has lost his friends in all of this.  That’s not to say they won’t dump me later because people can do the dumbest things.   If I take him back I think I might as well just pack up and move because I couldn’t hold my head up anymore around where I live.  If I did that and didn’t work out still, then I would have really lost everything.

I feel pressure on my chest.  I am up and strong one moment and bawling like a baby the next.  One minute I want to take him back and make it work because I’m so used to it but then I change my mind because of all the sh-t that’s happen. 

This will be my second divorce.  I am so unsure about things.  I wish someone would just give me all the answers.

At least the scale is going down.  I have really, really been watching my food.  I’m not couting calories or fat grams because I have done this so much before that I know what portions should look like and I know what to stay away from.   I also loaded my place with good foods too.  Tonight is my husbands surprise party so I really have to watch the fried foods that will be there.   There is going to be pasta there too and I’m not really a big pasta eater but my friend has such a way of preparing it that it will be hard to stay away from it. 

Look, I’m already setting myself up for failure.  I have to watch the words I use.  “Hard to stay away from” kind of words is just setting me up for it. 

I didn’t work out at all this week.  Bummer.  Things came up this week that made it really hard for me to want to go.  If I could just get one or two days in to start the workout process then maybe that could start the ball rolling. 

 Message from the inside:  I’m tired of being fat.  I’m tired of feeling sexually frustrated.  I like when a man does give me attention even if it isn’t my husband.  I won’t cheat but it does feel good when a guy takes an interest.  Is there really such a thing as finding that old spark again in your spouse?  I mean really find it?  I’m not so sure. 

Well, I went to the grocery store yesterday to pick up some food so that this week’s weigh in wasn’t a total bust because I was not prepared. 

 I did not work out yeseterday or any day really since my Friday weigh in.   Yesterday I was supposed to do it but there seems like there is always something getting in my way or at least discouraging me.  Yesterday it was computer problems that I needed to fix, then an arguement with my husband and then just worry worry about other things.  Plus, my daughter just caught a cold or maybe it’s just allergies but her nose is runny and you can’t take a kiddo like that to the gym.   Excuses, excuses I know.  They won’t help me lose weight.   But I do feel that things sometimes have to be right in your life for you to tackle your weight loss head on.   Do things have to be perfect?  No.   Maybe I’m just making more excuses and letting the little catastrophies stop me.  Maybe I should stop using words like catastrophies too!!  lol 

I’m gonna hold it together today. 

The title says it all. 

 Here is to a new week.  I’m going to a bachlorette party this weekend.  Let’s see if I can hold my diet together.

Well, day two of plan came and I really didn’t do what I planned on.  No working out.  My food wasn’t horrible.  It’s not like I’m eating alot of bad things but I’m not eating all the right things either.  I’m not eating a whole lot of fat or calories however the calories I am taking in aren’t coming from good foods like fruits or veggies.

I feel like I have zero muscle tone and that makes me extremely tired but I need to move in order to get the muscle tone.  Bad bad lazy circle.  lol

Although I have only been on Buddyslim for a couple of days, I have been on plan since last Friday and tomorrow is my weigh in day.  Fingers crossed for me. 

On a really personal level:  I’m planning a surprise B-day party for my husband but I really don’t want to.  My feelings for him have changed.  I’m only doing it because it’s an easy way out instead of trying to get a bunch of people to meet somewhere.   We are at a crossroad but nothing is going to happen with that for a long while.  I am stuck and I’m not going anywhere.  Not right now at least.

Hi!  New here! 

Last night I had a plan to get up on Wed. morning (I set up my account Tues. night) and write all my goals and try and get motivated today but my computer for whatever reason wasn’t working right and I couldn’t get on so here I am doing it late at night.  I was also supposed to make it to the gym too.   I was going to visit a friend today so our kids could play together and I brought my gym stuff with me so that I could go right after the visit but then a hail storm came along with a tornado warning right when I was about to leave. 

 It always seems when I start a plan or diet or whatever that something jumps in the way.  I’m not blaming the circumstances for everything but it seems like things do happen when I do start one.  I did want to throw in the towel and eat badly but I didn’t.  I wanted to pull in the Taco Bell and eat up!  But I didn’t.  So score one for me!  lol

Life has been busy.  Some good things and not so good things.   It’s the good things that keep me going and hanging in there.   Sometimes I think I’m living a lie by not telling everyone everything about me but I don’t think everyone has to know everything about you.   Not even your closest friends.  Sometimes I think it’s good to have an escape from your problems with some good laughs and some good times and sometimes letting others know everything about you can ruin that.  Tell them about your money troubles and they might not invite you to things that you can afford but they don’t think you can or are always having a sympathetic look on their face when you are around.   I don’t want get togethers to always be about problem talking.  I want to escape that stuff for just a moment in time and live a fun life and then go back to the normal grind and worry the next day.  

Oh, and I just want to lose this added weight.  I did have more confidence when I was thinner.  I walked taller, looked sexier and just felt healthier.  I’ve been thin and I’ve been overweight.  Life felt better thinner.  I’m just rambling now.  Onward to tomorrow.